The Gulf Stream (1899) by WInslow Homer
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I have been feeling anger at a person in my life who has hurt me and who constantly annoys me. I am trying to learn how best to come to terms with this person and the challenges they present. I often find it beneficial to write about emotional stuff like this in order to help me gain a healthier perspective. I hope that in sharing this, it may also be of some benefit to you. I am certain you will be able to relate.
From my Life: Attachment to Anger
Riding the Wildfire Whirlwind
by AOM
In the children's book, Where the Red Fern Grows by Wilson Rawls, Billy's grandpa teaches him a surefire way to trap raccoons. First, you drill a small hole into a log. Then, place a bright shiny object down in the hole. Next, drive nails along the shaft, so the raccoon can just squeeze in his paw to grab the shiny object. A raccoon comes along, slides its paw easily into the hole and closes his paw around the object. With the object in its closed paw, the raccoon cannot get its paw out. The only way for it to free itself is to release the object, but the raccoon won't release it. It has become trapped by its own greed (attachments).
A similar thing happens to me when a person in my life does things that annoy me to the point of feeling anger. I catch myself constantly having an inner-chat about how selfish, self-centered, and thoughtless that person is and how angry I feel about it - (my "shiny object"). I become stuck - attached to a cycle of thinking about being annoyed and angry - all because I won't let go of that "shiny object". Instead, I keep choosing to attach myself to it. In so doing, I end up choosing to allow that person to control a part of my life. My whole day or week can be wrecked because I simply won't release that "shiny object" and move on.
Fortunately, I am aware and mindful (enough) of what is going on inside my mind. I have learned to pay closer attention to the constant chatter in my mind. So now, when I catch myself replaying aggravating situations or playing out new scenarios in my mind, I stop and lovingly talk to myself about it. On some days I have to do this many times an hour. I have to keep reminding myself that I need to accept things I cannot change, let them go, adapt and flow on around them. I have to remember that my peace of mind is more important than my piece of anger. It comes down to the answer to this question: Do I want to live in a constant state of anger or do I want to live in a constant state of peace? I choose - the choice is mine.
It will take time and mindful awareness of what's being said in my head for me to learn to stop grabbing that "shiny object". I have not learned all the lessons I need to learn yet, but I think I am on the right path.
Lessons to Learn:
Response is a choice: I have a choice in how I will respond to the words and actions of others. Choose to see the situation as a challenge to spiritual growth - a spiritual jazzercise.
Accept what is: Once I accept what is, then I can see how to deal with problems more clearly - from a more compassionate perspective.
Forgiveness for what was: Remember that forgiveness is more about the health of the one who forgives than the one who is forgiven.
Letting go of Anger: Remember what Buddha said, "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned." I accept my anger. It is a part of me, but I do not have to grab on and ride that wildfire whirlwind.
Learning Compassion for those who hurt me: The behavior of the person who hurt me is a symptom of the pain, suffering and struggle they are going through in their life. Remember what Jesus said even while they were crucifying him, "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do."
Learn from these Teachers: The people who cause me aggravation are teachers who come into my life to teach me things I need to learn. It is up to me to learn those lessons well.
Continue scanning for my own issues: Are there things I am not seeing in myself - things that I am holding on to (attachments) that I need to let go.
These are difficult lessons but lessons important for continued spiritual growth. Hopefully, something I've said here about my own struggles will be helpful to you.
7 comments:
Thanks for sharing the thoughts. I know the story of the raccoon (or monkey) and the shiney object in the hole (or bottle), but I had not applied it in the way you do. I have at least one occasion (interaction) where my anger was a "shiny object". People have talked to me about it, but not with the metaphor you offer now. Thanks!
I am certain everyone reading this has gone through a similar situation. The positive side of this in YOUR situation is you recognize what you are experiencing. You understand how your response, or "choice" affects you. Therefore you know how to resolve this in the best way for your well being.
The difficult part is that human nature causes us that initial pain or discomfort and it is natural for "sparks" to burn our skin. The important thing is that we don't let those sparks become flames that consume us.
That being said, it is easier to see this when you are on the outside looking in. For example, I have been preaching to my Father over the years to let go of his anger towards an individual. Countless conversations showing him how all that anger only "burns" him and has absolutely zero impact on that individual he is angry at. But just last week I caught myself being burned by the hot coals I was ready to throw at that same individual. This made me realize that it is sometimes easier said than done, but once I realized what I was doing, I let it go.
I think you are coming to that same conclusion.
Hugs AOM
Dear AOM, thank you for sharing your observations and reflections with us. We've all been there, but your words provide a path through the thorny forest. This is the sort of counsel that should be read on a daily basis. Again, many thanks.
A very wise man I knew said much the same thing to me: "This person came into your life to teach you something. When you keep going back to the hurt they've caused, stop to ask, 'What is the lesson here?'"
I've had several people do very hurtful things. One, I finally realized, is that some people thrive on drama; they stir things up because they think they need it in their lives; sometimes, they enjoy watching the turmoil they cause. The other, well, she just hated seeing success where she failed. She said hurtful things because she was hurting, she was actually angry with herself.
It's tough to overcome because we keep asking ourselves "Why?" The reality often is that we didn't do or say anything. The moment we stop asking "Why?" the issue begins to fade, or becomes easier to accept and move on.
Also, sharing these things helps us reduce the hurt and anger. We get it out. Venting is a wonderful thing. My friend, you may vent to me as much as you need, because that's what friends do to help one another. Warmest hugs, dear Phil!
What a helpful guide to dealing with anger. We all face it. We all struggle with it. You have offered an insightful pathway to deal with it. You are such a good teacher. Thank you. I look forward to more teachings from your life.
You are such a brave and caring soul. I can't come close to your levels of thoughtful spirituality.
Love,
Artie
It sounds like you have found an effective way to cope with your problem person, and have been generous to share your wisdom with others, who will likely benefit from it.
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